Fresh out the shower Tony was feeling his best self. Tony, who had turned age 19 a few weeks ago was a light-skinned complication with curly short jet-black hair cut in a fade taper and was a skinny physical built type who never had an issue getting girls to go on dates. However; tonight’s date was with no mere ordinary young “girl” blowing bubblegum at the mall, tonight was special because this date was Tony’s first with an “older woman.” Outkast “So Fresh, So Clean” played in the background on the stereo giving off the best vibe to what would become a great night. Earlier that day while getting a haircut from his friend DL, Tony with excitement sat in the barber chair to tell the story of how he got the “baddest chick ever!!!”
Tony: “Man DL, you should’ve seen her, every nigga working was shook when she walked in the store and headed straight towards the music section where I work, asking about a song she heard on the radio!!! Says her name is Lisa!!!”
DL stood about 6’1, a dark-skinned complication with a medium athletic physical build and green eyes that most girls in the neighborhood found attractive. He wore a white stained apron and was using a thin dark grey comb as an edger to shape up Tony’s hairline. “Lisa, you say?” Tony said taking a puff from a small burnt cigarette and usual side smile then leaned forward to hear more saying “Oh word? How she look dog?”
Tony: “Dog, she about 5’4 with that smooth shiny black skin like that chick Keisha off Belly. She got hazel eyes and was wearing two Indian braids in her hair that hung low at the shoulders and shit. just fine as Hell!!!”
DL turned off his clippers, started brushing the loose hair off Tony’s head and said: “Word? Two braids huh?”
Tony went on to tell DL how Lisa sang the song she heard on her car radio and he(Tony) instantly knew what it was and dashed over to get her the CD single. She smiled with appreciation showing her teeth were pearly white like a Crest commercial and how a conversation on their both shared interest in music lead to a phone number exchange. DL blew smoke out his nostrils and said: “Well, you have a good time nigga, make sure you come through later tonight to tell us, fellas, some details. Now give me $20.” Later touching his hair while looking in the foggy mirror Tony intended to have not a “good” time but a “great” one because he had been preparing for this date for a couple weeks. Lisa was a 25-year-old grad student who was studying something that Tony couldn’t pronounce with her own apartment in a suburb right outside Detroit. Although they would talk for hours on the phone Tony was impressed on how accomplish Lisa was and yet insecure that he(Tony) was only a one year out of high school dude who was currently only working part-time at the department store living at home with a mom and a military father who was ready to evict him at a moments notice. He(Tony) saved two checks for this date because he did not want Lisa to think that he was some “broke ass little boy loser.” So, on this day, Tony’s confidence was at all time high as he finished drying off his body with a towel, smothering himself in Cocoa butter lotion and now dancing to Notorious B.I.G.’s “Sky’s The Limit.” Out the door wearing crease blue jeans with a matching Jay-Z button-up shirt, Tony grabbed his car keys along with peppermint certs and headed out determined to make tonight one to be remembered.
Tony felt on top of the world like he must have had a secret rabbit’s foot nearby or a four-leaf clover in his back pocket. The entire date was going beyond expectations. Lisa looked amazing to him as she wore a shear-like black shirt with faded black jeans that had a slight tear in the right knee and short black boots. Lisa smelled like Christmas morning yet looked like New Year’s Eve night. She enjoyed the dinner and laughed at every joke showing off her perfect smile with that candy red lipstick. The restaurant also had a bowling alley attached so they played a few lanes. Tony loved watching her physical perfect figure walk in her leather boots bend slightly with the bowling ball missing every single white pin yet laughing anyways. “You laughing at my bowling skills Cutie pie?” she said pinching his right cheek making Tony’s heart beat like an African drum. Afterward, they drove into the parking lot of her apartment and as a gentleman Tony made sure to stop at her front entrance door, only to have Lisa grant his wish.
Lisa: “You can come upstairs for a while unless you got curfew little boy?”
Tony (Clearing his throat): “Nah, not this guy.”
Lisa: “Ok, big boy, I live in apt 929 make sure to park your car in the visitor section and I’ll see you soon.”
Tony was able to find a parking spot with the quickness but slowed down to make sure he was prepared for what may be a great ending. Inside the glove dept he grabbed two condoms to place in his wallet and then rinsed his mouth with a small bottle of mouthwash. He(Tony) rubbed his hair forward and walked like he was the height of a 6’7 NBA player. Tony concentrated on everything with precision from his walk to the door knock itself. Knock too hard and you sound desperate, knock too quiet and you may sound timid, he thought. So, he found a nice medium. “Knock! Knock!” a pride boost rose within Tony as he saw the shadow through the peephole and heard the door unlock. The door open as if it was automatic with a visual of the entire apartment. To the left was the kitchen with wintergreen walls, while in the front, a living room with a blue couch and matching loveseat, and to the right was the bedroom that was all yellow like a safari desert. As Tony walked in, he slightly tripped over something but ignored the urge to look once Lisa revealed herself behind the door showing off her change of clothes. Lisa stood there wearing a long white open button-up shirt with a matching bra and underwear that was all black. She took Tony by the hand and guided him toward the bedroom, paused in front of the bed and said: “Hey cutie, come a little closer.” Tony’s heartbeat was in pure overdrive as she brought him closer for a tongue kiss. Her lips tasted like cinnamon and her skin felt like silk. “Have a seat, relax cutie,” she said slightly pushing Tony backward to the bed. She laid on top of him kissing his neck and highly sensitive ear. Tony tried not to lose control so to ease his mind he began to look around and notice that there were mirrors all over the room, including the ceiling that had a reflection that showed Lisa’s small lower back tattoo of a small thin black spider. Lisa sat up, looked at Tony with a slight smile while rubbing underneath the shirt touching his bare skin and said: “Hey cutie, so you just gonna lay there?” Tony shook his head “No” and sat up to face her when the loud sound of a “RIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!” started to go off. Lisa immediately got up to run into the living room to pick up what appeared to be a house phone. Tony figured that the call wouldn’t be long so he took out his wallet to get the condom out so he can be ready when she gets back. He then heard Lisa’s once sultry voice transform into a more alert tone sound. He listened closely to hear a frantic sounding Lisa say:
“Hello, uummm yes. No, I wasn’t busy, I just had my cell phone off because I didn’t want to be bothered……Oh, you here now? Thought you was coming Tuesday? Oh, it’s ok. Yea I’m here baby so I’ll be able to unlock the door.…”
“Baby?!!” Tony thought as he stood up instantly to fix his clothes. Lisa hurried back in the bedroom with now a sweat look of concern on her face.
Tony: “So you got company coming through?
Lisa: “Yes, it’s my man and sometimes he lives here.”
Tony: “Lives here?!! Sometimes?!!”
It was that moment Tony noticed a large pair of black Nike boots by the door and the button-up shirt that Lisa was wearing was a large man’s size, a VERY LARGE MAN’S SIZE!!!
Tony: “Ummmmm yea, so I think I’m gonna split.”
Lisa nervously walked toward Tony to place her hand on his cheek and said: “Please don’t be mad at me cutie pie, I…..I promise to make it up to you…”
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, was the sound that came from the front door as if Thor was home from Asgard. Lisa, eyes now got bugged, grabbed Tony, pushed him toward the inside closet and placed her finger on his lips to say, “Be quiet”. Tony stood there with the feeling of clothes behind him which he noticed most were business MAN suits. He(Tony) with a small opening in between the double doors watched Lisa sprint away to open the front door. As the door open, a large shadow cloaked Lisa and Tony realized that his wish for a “night like none other” was already granted.
From the closet, Tony heard Lisa open the front door and could see the shadow of a large figure step from underneath the entrance. “Why you in my shirt?” he said, with his voice tone of Darth Vader. “I was waiting on you babe,” Lisa said with the same sultry voice she had before. The large figure went left toward the kitchen where Tony could hear him open up the fridge. “I’ll fix you something to eat real soon baby,” Lisa said, as she entered the bedroom and gave Tony a glance that said, “Stay put!” Tony could see through in-between the cracked closet doors that Lisa was turning off all the lights. She had one small lamp in the corner to get before she was stopped by the large figure who now entered the bedroom standing as if he was Godzilla’s nephew. Tony slightly stepped back in the closet to take in the guy’s full visual who stood about 6’10, brown skin complication with a fresh fade line up and looked to have weighed roughly between 300 and maybe about a 1000lbs. It was clear to Tony that “DarthZilla” worked either security for rappers or played on the practice squad for the Detroit Lions while lifting heavy 200 plus logs during his spare time. “Come here girl, it’s been a minute,” DarthZilla said as he walked toward Lisa his footsteps sounded like small island earthquakes. He (DarthZIlla) then reached out to Lisa to pull her close. Lisa stood on her tippy toes to poke her lips out as he leaned down a few feet to kiss her back. He then took his hand and slid down the front part of her underwear and said: “Damn girl, you wet already?” On cue, Lisa smiled and replied, “I always get happy when you here babe.” Lisa then began to pull DarthZilla toward the bed as she laid on her back he landed on top like a black beach whale. She kissed him passionately while taking off his shirt and throwing it on top of the lamp in the corner making the room darker. Lisa started moaning louder and Tony could see that she was signaling for him to come out of the closet. Tony, not one to think twice, tiptoe out and could see that the front door was left slightly open by Lisa minutes earlier. Tony felt his luck in favor as he walked around the large shadow black tidal wave and was a few feet from the door with Lisa’s yelling covering up any footstep sounds. He got within arm’s length of the door before Tony heard “What the fuck?!!” He (Tony) then turned around to see that DarthZilla was staring at him in the mirror over the headstand. Tony then understood why The Flash was always his favorite comic book character.
Tony dashed down the hallway like a doped-up track star. Behind him was a 7’1 300lb sweaty gorilla man who was shirtless and with jeans running on his bare feet. At the end of the hallway Tony could see an old woman getting on the elevator and despite having manners he pushed her to the side, entered the elevator in time to hit the “Lobby” button. The elevator doors closed seconds before DarthZilla was able to get there. “I’m gonna fuck you up nigga!!!!” is what Tony could hear as the elevator was going down. As Tony’s heart was skipping beats like a child on the playground his only wish in life at the moment was that the elevator would reach the destination before DarthZilla. “This nigga huge as fuck!!!” Tony thought to himself as the elevator hit level 2 he prepared to make the dash of a lifetime. DING!” Lobby” the elevator voice said. Tony being skinny he didn’t need the doors to openly completely so he turned himself sideways to run out toward the front exit. Once again freedom for Tony was within a few feet when he heard the voice of God say “Where you going Muthafucka?!!” Tony turned around to see DarthZilla standing by the stair exit breathing as if he ran a marathon. His (Darthzilla) eyes were bloodshot red with one fist balled up while the other he used to hold up his jeans. Never one to back away from a fight, however; Tony had zero interest in having a one-sided ass whipping by an Arnold SchwareNIGGA cyborg looking dude. Tony sprinted out the door to the parking lot, with his car in sight he hit the auto button ahead to unlock the driver side door. As he (Tony) fell in the car and like an 80s-horror film began to nervously to fumble between keys. “Why the fuck do I have so many damn keys?” Tony thought, as he also couldn’t stop his hands from shaking enough to focus. That same focus was broken when the sound of a loud BANG came from the left side of Tony’s ear. He (Tony) looked up to see that DarthZilla was standing outside the car, he had bashed the driver side window with his bare hand and was bleeding but clearly felt no pain. Tony could then hear his father’s voice in his head say “Boy why you want that bitch ass dodge neon? That’s a girl’s car. Any strong man can break that car with his own strength!” There was never a time like the present for Tony hate his father being right as then at that moment DarthZilla punched through the window again, this time shattering the glass completely and grabbing Tony by the shoulder. “Get yo bitch ass out the car nigga!!!” DarthZilla said. Tony was then scared straight enough to find the car key and start the ignition but unfortunately, DarthZilla was no quitter as his other hand let go of his jeans and being totally exposed he leaped now on top of the car hood. To add further to Tony’s very awake nightmare DarthZilla started naked Hulk smashing the windshield causing the glass to cave in. Tony realized that every “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”Too Short/Snoop Dogg reference he grew up on was some B.S. because clearly, DarthZilla was willing to kill for Lisa. “Fuck this shit,” Tony thought as he pressed the gas peddle and put the car in reverse making DarthZilla fly backward showcasing all his private nature in the air before falling to the ground. As Tony switched gears to forward and now drove toward the exit gate he could see a large shadow figure waving his fist and hear yelling that said: “Don’t let me find out where you live muthafucka!!!”
Tony drove up and parked in the driveway of DL’s house and had to take a minute to process what happened. His driver side window was completely shattered and the mirror was torn and hanging off with wires. The windshield had spider-web lines all across making it difficult to see in front of him. The pain in his shoulder hadn’t gone away as he got out the car he could see the huge dent on the hood making it easier to believe a random boulder fell on it versus the large naked animal that damaged it. Tony knocked on the side screen door and DL’s girlfriend CYN came with rollers in her hair that was semi-covered in a red scarf wearing a long baseball jersey and high white socks. She had her neck tilted on the house phone as the cord looked stretched to its limit with a cigarette in the other hand. “Damn nigga, what happen to you?” she said, with a look of disgust at the sight of Tony. “Don’t ask,” Tony said, as he walked passed her toward the steps that lead to the basement where his friend Will was already sitting in the barber chair getting a line-up by DL who had a half-smoked blunt in his ear holding a pair of clippers in one hand and a small brush in the other. A dude who stayed down the street named Tyler was sitting in the corner drinking a St. Ides while his 5year old son was sitting in-between his lap on the floor playing Gameboy. Tony walked over to DL and grabbed the blunt from his ear, took a deep puff and collapsed on the couch next to the barber chair. While his friend Will looked confused DL started laughing hysterically out loud. “Yo, what happen to you and why this nigga thinks it’s so funny?”Will said, Tony then sat up on the couch confused watching DL wipe the laugh tears from his eyes.
DL: “I see you met that nigga Big Rob.”
Will looks around in confusion and says: “Who the Hell is Big Rob?
Tyler sat up straight and says: “You know Big Rob used to play football at Cass. Pocahontas Lisa’s man Big Rob, he comes through here sometimes.”
Will: “Oh Snap, THAT big Rob?!!, nigga what you doing fucking around with him?!!”
Tony then stood, glared at DL and said, “So you KNEW this chick had a man?” Nigga I was just here with YO ASS earlier today!!!
DL took another blunt out his left pocket, lit it with a lighter, took a puff and smiled and said, “Yea nigga, everybody knows Big Rob crazy-ass love that bitch no matter what she do. Nigga done fought and shot a gang of niggas over that bitch!!!”
At that moment Tony wanted to slap DL with all the fury of life but was too exhausted from the night to get into it, so he collapsed back on to the couch. Tyler then picked his son off the floor and said: “Man, I gonna take lil man home right fast, ya’ll stay here because I need to hear this story!!!” DL then went into his back pocket, pulled out some cash and said: “Yo, stop and get a nigga slice of pizza and a pop.” At that moment Will pulled out some cash also and handed it to Tyler. “You want something from the store too, Tony?” Tyler said, Tony then began to pat his pockets over again slowly until he stood up off the couch instantly with a look as if he seen a ghost.
DL: “Hell wrong with you Dog?”
Tony patted his pockets one more time only to come to the conclusion that he already knew. “FUCK!!!!” he yelled, “I left my wallet!!!” DL then blew smoke from his mouth, gave a small noticeable smirk and said:
“Damn nigga, that’s fucked up…”