If I was white I would jog down the streets near my home wearing a hoodie showing my white hands with no need to carry ID so that the local officers don’t have to ask me for the 99th time if I live in this neighborhood.

If I was white I would order a crazy amount of pancakes at Denny’s and afterward walk out without telling anyone that I left my wallet in the car.

If I was white I would use my below-average credit to get a STUPID big loan for a house because my realtor called in a couple of bank favors because he thinks “I’m a nice guy”

If I was white and a movie star, I would make the same overused plotline big action romantic comedies without producers worrying about my ability to “capture a large mainstream audience.”

If I was white, I wouldn’t think it was foolish to call the police on my black neighbor Dave, because even though I’ve known him for years and he may be at the door searching his pockets for house keys, I’m sure he’ll understand I did what was best for the neighborhood.

If I was white I would try on socks in Walmart to make sure they fit without fearing anyone would stop me.

If I was white I would wear my MAGA hat with pride at work because surely it’s the same as their Black Lives Matter t-shirts.

If I was white I would go skiing shirtless wearing jean shorts because clearly, the flu doesn’t have no effect on me.

If I was white and a singer, I would hang with rappers in the club wearing torn jeans while popping bottles until I get arrested for drunk driving then make a public statement on how I recently found White Jesus and now believe that Hip Hop is toxic so that I may return to my forgiving white audience.

If I was white I would ignore my privilege in the workplace despite my constant tardiness and poor performance I was still able to receive a promotion over Charlene(who trained me) because obviously, her 12hr days were no match for my weekly Happy Hours with the boss.

If I was white, I would feel it’s ok to say the N-Word(especially in rap songs) because my two childhood black friends never seem to have a problem with it so why should anyone else.

If I was white I would go to 7/11, fill up three Big Gulps cherry slushies and walk out while threatening the employees that if they call the cops on me then I will call immigration on them.

If I was white, I would stand in valet dressed in a suit until someone would bring me keys to a benz then drive off doing 90 miles an hour screaming “I’m whiiiiiiiiiiiite biiiiiiiiitch!!!!!”

If I was white, I would remind the officer that my taxes pay his low-income salary so he better have a good reason for pulling me over otherwise I’ll threaten to punch him in the face!!!

If I was white I would call HR on my black woman co-worker because instead of her appreciating a compliment she yelled at me for touching her hair.

J Hall

@jhallradio

 

 

 

 

 

 

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