1) Janelle Monae singing “Black Girl Magic, Y’all can’t stand it!!!” is the new “F*** yo couch!!!”
-To watch Janelle Monae give a musical middle finger to a group of front row Becky’s who cluelessly smiled with joy was in the Hall of Fame of White-Folks-Don’t-Know-What-This-Means. This act is in the same family as Lil Jon’s Skeet Skeet, Snoop Dogg’s Fo’ shizzle and the classic negro spiritual Wade In The Water.
2) Michelle Obama spit half a bar on stage and the crowd went Fortnite insane.
3) Young Thug was wearing “There’s no place like home shoes.”
4) Donald Glover didn’t show up at the Grammys because like most of us he probably thought “This Is America” would lose Song Of The Year to an unknown white artist.
-Or you can argue that Glover not showing up was an exclamation point to the entire This IS America attitude we’ve all embraced since Black Panther drooped.
5) Post Malone is the president and lifetime member of the culture vulture fan club.
-White artist can’t get white people to like their music. White person then does black music while changing their appearance to mimic black culture. White artist blows up off black music bringing long wanted attention from white people, then white artist shits on black music proving that miracle whip miracles do come true.
6) Dolly Parton has Thanos all Joelene’s from existence.
-In all my years on this planet from attending schools to working in majority white jobs, I’ve never met a woman in real life named Joelene. This Joelene jazzabelle who had the nerve to fool around with Miss Parton’s hubby received the ultimate revenge treatment when Dolly gathered all of the Infinity Stones and erased her from all reality.
7) H.E.R. is a dope artist who can walk down the street unnoticed and that’s ok.
-Some time ago a young singer named Gabi Wilson decided to wear huge sunglasses and colorful Missy Elliot outfits that stripped away all visual judgment and allowed her music to speak for itself breathing fresh air into the R&B genre that had been on life support.
8) Cardi B’s story keeps getting better.
-Cardi B made history by becoming the first solo female to win Rap Album Of The Year delivering a raw honest speech about the challenges of becoming a mother while creating an album with humor that took longtime supporters back to her beginning IG days. Hip Hop never needed trophies to define it’s greatness however, Cardi’s win was pretty dope.
9) Offset looked like a cousin who got his probational ankle bracelet removed.
-No one really knows the status of the married couple Offset and Cardi B who publicly had been going through some challenges in recent months, however the way the Migo MC was smiling with tongue out at his wife during her performance when she said “I like morning sex,” it was clear he was feeling like a kid who felt joy when momma was done baking and passed him the icing bowl.
10) Alicia Keys will sing “Empire State Of Mind” at her own funeral.
-It can be a proven fact that Alicia Keys in the past decade and beyond could be seen at any church, public school auditorium, dance recital, or random MLK blvd standing on a milk crate screaming with joy “In Neeeeeeew Yorrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!!!!!”
11) Dua Lipa performance was like watching Cinemax porn
-I don’t know what a ‘Dua” or a ‘Lipa” is but I do know that watching two women on stage staring at each other eyes in sensual close “ready to kiss you when you are” stance as they rub each other’s arms slowly was very reminiscent of my teenage years watching my uncle cable’s after midnight.
12) Drake dissed the Awards during his speech and The Grammys had Souljah Boy cut the mic.
–Aubrey attempted to disrespect the Grammys in their own backyard and they’re response was pretty much a “You and Canada can kick rocks, you ungrateful bastard!!!”
13) Watching J.Lo perform a Motown tribute was punishment for the way I treated teachers growing up.
-Yes, I acknowledge that as a Motor City native I may be more sensitive than the average when it comes to Motown tributes. Plus, I’ve always loved Jennifer Lopez since her Fly Girl days, however, you can’t call when vocally innovative tunes are sung by a vocally challenged Latin singer with 2 and a half black people dancers a successful Motown tribute.