13) Bike rentals

Nothing expresses gentrified romance like the visual of those ugly Mary Poppins red bicycles that are quick to cut you off in traffic.

 

12) The dawn of Whole Foods

A Change Is Definitely Gonna Come when your neighborhood has to make room for a mini-mall size overpriced food market that has a complimentary wine bar and fish that once purified in Lake Minnetonka.

 

11) When the new neighborhood watch is now watching you

Warning: If for the 3rd time there was another cheese & wine neighborhood watch party that you were not invited to, just know two things:

-1 The invitation was not lost in the mail

-2 The meeting was about you.

 

10) Construction and traffic everywhere 

When every day you start to notice a growing number of bright yellow vest wearing city workers who now control the traffic flow turning a once 10-minute grocery store commute into a three-day pilgrimage.

 

9) Bye Bye Mom & Pop

Who needs a favorite longtime specially made sandwich from Ms. Jackson when your favorite corner store/Bodega has now been replaced by a newly efficient vegan spot that sells lettuce burgers at the same price as the Jordan 11’s.

 

8) Who wants Yoga?!!

The popular local park that once had the best summertime basketball games added by colorful characters like Big Rick and Mike G who cracked politically incorrect jokes has now been replaced with Connie’s Outdoor Yoga class where they lay on rubber mats while listening to ocean sounding music.

 

7) Parking Restrictions

Sorry, but if your vehicle does not have a parking permit, three visible license plates, copy of insurance information taped to the windshield there is no parking between the hours of 7am-6am.

 

6) Noise complaints

Instead of calling the police about a recent crime being committed just be sure to play a loud Migos record so that the concerned lady who lives two houses down will be sure to call 911 and report how you’ve have been a disturbance.

 

5) Coffee shop and winery takeover

When five newly opened coffee shops can be counted within a three block radius and the once bold letters on a store that said “Liquor” has now been changed to “Wine & Spirits” then yes, the block has now given up red meat.

 

4) White people everywhere in sandals.

Doesn’t matter if it is 45 below with 12 feet of snow the sights of random white folk in a tank top and red hipster shorts(from Marshalls) are signs of what’s to come.

 

3) Dogs are loved, you are not.

The low funded community recreation center that has one tennis rack, an inflated football, with two old milk crates used for basketball games will now be demolished and replaced by a state of the art new dog park that has doggy swimming pools, freshly imported doggy water, and an air-conditioned 3D doggy movie center.

 

2) Random Jogging White Women

Whether driving or taking a walk always be on a lookout to be cut off by a Random Jogging White Woman. Because Random Jogging White Women do not see color it is always best for a driver to count for 10 seconds after a traffic light turns green.

 

1) Neighborhood name change

Who cares that your neighborhood has had the same name since before the U.S. constitution was establish, it will for the greater hipster good be renamed something more suitable like Columbus Square, Columbus Drive, Columbus Circle, Columbus Blvd, or Columbus Corner(aka CoCo).

 

J Hall

@jhallradio

 

 

 

 

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