10) The Gym
Yes, you heard the jokes on how Jan 1st the Gym is a full moshpit of denying (ers) who take up space only to evaporate like All Lives Matter folks on black issues come Jan 2nd. You promised your doctor; you promised your friends, you even promised your pastor. However, all promises fail in comparison once you hit that snooze button for the 8th time that morning.
9) No More Drinking
35 seconds into the New Year and you’re already telling yourself the biggest lie of the decade. Yes, you may have overstepped your limits by having a shot glass contest with a stranger for NYE, but the only thing that proved is that you are no longer able to party like it’s your 20s since your hangovers now seem to last for days at a time.
8) No More Dealing With Your EX
Not sure how you said this with a straight face, but since no one ever seems to have on them that stack of bibles you claim to swear on, then lie away. This resolution will last until one of your completely single friends tells you another horrible dating tale, which will make that regular WYD 12:28 am text message just that more appealing.
7) Dumb Spending
Yes, money management is critical, as well as the motor toothbrush you saw on an infomercial that plays your favorite trap record while brushing.
6) New year, New Me
So for the past three years, we have all had to bear witness to your annual posting of the cartoon figurehead who walks over the past year(s) of steps as symbolism that you are no longer carrying past luggage, and just like drawing itself, you remain the same person. The one who is always late for everything, pays less than owed when the bill comes and continues to tweet out spoilers with no warning.
5) Eat Healthier
This resolution was broken the moment you declared yourself vegan on January 1st. Hence the beads of sweat that continue to pop around your forehead because that two-piece lettuce and tomato sandwich doesn’t slap as hard as those special sauce buffalo wings your BFF is devouring in front of you.
4) Travel More
Yes, by year’s end, you will likely in your mind considered this goal accomplished. Yet the reality is that instead of seeing the Great Wall Of China, you’re most likely to take that three hour drive for the 88th time to the Taste Fest.
3) No More Social Media
It is entirely ok to take a break by disconnecting oneself from the Matrix for their mental health. However, what is not suitable for your mental health is the annoying AF down periods at the office, the bad breath stranger who won’t stop talking next to you on the bus, and the missed opportunities to hate on your Ex who has gained weight since you two broke up.
2) Read more
Somehow those novels you were holding with pride on IG stories became great glass coaster for your wine glasses and helped elevate the bed a couple of inches.
1) No More Dealing With Fake People
Not sure how this can happen, considering the fakest person you know is yourself. From the smile and wave way, you greet your co-worker but talk behind their back about their misspelled emails to the endless humblebrag couple pics post that serves as a blatant attempt to cover the fact that you both are cheating.
One should always have the desire and drive to better themselves with the comprehension that the most important lessons often come from failure. The ability to recover from a failure to improve each time is a recipe for growth. A resolution made with absolution without the understanding of trial and error is doomed before it can start. So yes, 2020 can be a new you only if it keeps the shameless wisdom of the old you.